All Sides Now

I never really talk about it online besides hinting at it because I don’t want to be discriminated against more than I already have been in my life, but because of Carrie Fisher and some brave folks out there, like Jenifer Lewis, and like the woman who started the #medicatedandmighty tag, I’m becoming more willing.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in May 2004, a few days before my 26th birthday. On my chart it said I had a psychotic episode with spiritual delusions. I basically thought everyone should love each other and love the earth and I should walk around spreading love and light. But I am a literal person and that’s what I did. I walked and walked and walked all around my neighborhood to the point of exhaustion. I couldn’t feed myself and I couldn’t sleep and I ended up in the hospital. I was taken to Del Amo Hospital (Torrance, CA) and I was placed in the Del Rey Unit. In my head or whatever I was told this wasn’t about me, this was for the people around me. To chill and don’t worry so much. I felt safe. I was in a hospital of Love and was aligned with the King (del rey). King of Love, which I interpreted as God at the time. So no problem, I was ok, and things were fine. Just a bit of a hiccup. I honestly felt it was a spiritual emergence that turned into an emergency and in a different culture I wouldn’t have been drugged and pushed back out into the world to carry on like my whole world hadn’t been shaken to the root.

When I got out of there I took my meds for about 6 months to get people off my back and to get back to work. Because I didn’t believe the diagnosis and I was off the meds, I ended up back in the hospital again in June 2005. And it was a really bad experience. I realized that I had actually been manic for at least 3 months. The doctors told me that people who have Bipolar disorder usually went on and off their meds and their lives were ruined and they hurt their friends and family members and did I want that for myself. I said no. I’ve been med compliant going on 13 years and it’s been a journey. I was on tons of medication when I left. At least 6 pills. I found a psychiatrist a year or so later to help take me off of them and it took about 3-4 years to do so. I’ve been on one mood-stabilizer since and it helps.

I was in the hospital one last time in December of 2011. After I had the fall out with my dad when his mom passed, I was completely suicidal because I had lost my mom (rejection) a couple years before, and now my dad. I checked myself in because I had no will to live and thought maybe they could help me. I thought I’d give it one last effort.

What got me out of there that time was, we had a group meeting where we had to find something worth living for. I couldn’t think of anything. One of the patient’s marriage had just ended. He and his husband had been together for over 9 years and he had been a house-husband so he had no skills to get a job, no family support, his husband had moved on quickly!, and his heart was broken. He was looking through People Magazine? and saw a picture of Chely Wright (the first out country music singer) and her wife on their wedding day and that made him feel hopeful that he could have that again someday. It was a reason for him to live. I thought he was so brave to say that to us, and share with us, when we were all a bunch of strangers, stuck in a psych ward.

I hadn’t “come out” in the hospital because I could pass as straight *shudders* and didn’t want any hassle. That made me feel a bit cowardly in comparison to him. I begin to think about why I was there. What brought me to this place at this time? I had been depressed because of the relationship with my parents or lack thereof and also all the news of people, kids, toddlers!, being murdered for being perceived as gay, being bullied, assaulted in all kinds of horrible ways, and killing themselves for simply being who they are. I started thinking about the past year and a half and all the kids who had been bullied/committed suicide, and how no one outside of the community really knew or cared. Or so I thought. It was such a lonely feeling. What could I do? What could I do about any of it.

I could live.

I decided if I could help make a world that made sure that no other kid took their life because of their sexuality or gender or parent’s rejection, society’s rejection, etc. that it would be enough. It is/was my reason to live.

Chely Wright being out and open and happily married changed the guy’s life and changed mine by extension, reinforcing what I already knew. Visibility matters, representation matters, and media shapes culture. We need to see ourselves and see ourselves happy and healthy, so we can know that it’s possible. That we aren’t evil, unnatural, bad, or any of those things that heterosexual people say, that kill us on the inside and make it so it seems okay to take our lives away from us in such brutal ways.

The confrontation I had with my dad last week and the horrible things that my parents said and did to me and my brother, caught up with me full force last night. I’m not suicidal at all but I am grieving, angry, distracted, moody, tired.

Dealing with a chronic mental illness is an everyday challenge and sometimes I feel completely drained and over trying. Because it’s never-ending. There’s always this incessant self-monitoring going on, and a bit of shame. Since ’45, the state of our country, the threats against (my)health care, the environment, law, shite with my family, it’s been really scary and overwhelming. And I’ve been super angry. I have never been physically violent against another person as an adult though. I purposely haven’t. That calmness that people perceive in me, that willingness to listen, to be patient, to be considerate, are choices I make. That stereotype of violence and the stigma that goes along with people knowing, really does my head in. I have attempted to end my life. I have hurt myself. I want to get away from that. It’s tough though because no matter where I go, I am there.

*********

I’ve been in school since Spring 2010 and it’s been a safe place because I’m good at it. I have 2 degrees, one in Social Behavioral Sciences, with an emphasis in Child Development, and one in American Sign Language Studies. I am a semester away from graduating with a BA in Film Production. What’s been cool about school 😉 is that I love learning. At the end of the term, there is something to show for what I’ve been doing with my time, professors like me, I get to be social with people, my family and friends are supportive, and maybe proud? of me, and it’s flexible. If I can’t make it to class because I’m having a bad day, it’s not going to shake the foundation of my life/livelihood, and working on campus has built-in benefits because I’ve been allowed to miss work because school comes first. Everyone around seems to want me (us students) to graduate and move on.

But I can’t do school right now. My concentration and heart aren’t in it. And I’m in this space of the unknown. It’s a bit scary. And the poverty ya’ll, the poverty that I’ve dealt with since the diagnosis (which stripped me of my ability to be financially independent with any consistency) is awful, embarrassing, and limiting.
BUT
what I can do right now is live my purpose and work to create media, live and express my truth, so that it may help people, our kids, our future, and our rainbow tribe, know that we can be in the world and live. That we are valuable and an essential part of creation and that some of us will work for this until our last breaths.

When people talk about the gay agenda I’m like, yes, I absolutely have one. This is it. And I’m not going to apologize or be less than I am because people are ignorant and lack compassion.

I’m out of steam for now. Thank you all who read this in its entirety 

I made big strides today 🙂

For anyone who needs help, reach out:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255

 

Advertisements

Enough For Now: These Little Brown Hands

Thank you to everyone I’ve been chatting/typing/texting with these past few days. Some people have said to me, but you were doing so well…I’m like, no no. I dropped my last semester in April after we finished shooting our Senior Film. Before that, I was crying every morning and late to classes most everyday. And the physical stuff this year: My right arm, from shoulder to wrist were messed up most of winter/and most of Spring, but I looked fine! Yay for all the childhood years of hiding my family traumas and gender identity stuff. Just, yay!
There were days I couldn’t lift my arm at all. One day I couldn’t lift either. My Aunt and her boyfriend were present for that one. And it was scary. I was so sick in early May that I couldn’t eat. It got to a point where I couldn’t even eat/swallow oatmeal without cramping up and being nauseous. I had vertigo for most of March and April. My family in Nor Cal are witnesses. Luckily, my Aunt helped me, by introducing me to a holistic healer she recommended. After the first of several visits I could keep down food and the pain on my right side decreased to a 2 out of 10 on a pain scale, and now it only hurts/aches when I use it too much.
***
Traveling this summer has helped. Meeting and bonding with new people, seeing friends in person that I’ve known for years, some for decades, has helped. A few days ago I crashed, which I know is completely understandable. Many did. I am fortunate in that my friend Victoria and by extension her wife Dora, saved my life again. Eternally grateful for them.
***
Some people advise me to step back, watch shows, read/listen to books, take walks, get out in nature. I am doing those things. I’ve been doing these things! Even when I wanted to lay on the couch all day earlier this week I didn’t. But I will, if need be, and there’s no shame if you have to, too. Right now, rage is fueling me and the outlet is writing and drawing. And this is about more than this moment. This is childhood stuff, and family stuff, and me betraying myself by being silent in our “no politics” family gatherings these last several months. I have endured because I could not lose any more family and I didn’t want to cause rifts in the family but I can’t do it anymore. At least not right now. And so I’m in SoCal trying to figure out my next move. And that is enough for now.
***
I have stepped away from social media in the past and will do so in future. I am seriously considering deleting my Facebook (not deleting myself from actual existence mind you). Right now though, social media platforms are how I connect with many of my people all over the globe. My people in my fandoms, fan art/fan fiction creators, just give me so much life. I can’t give that up at the moment. There are many ways to be and feel isolated and I don’t feel alone/isolated/ at this time. Like I said, I’m fighting an internal battle, like many of us. Winning so far 🙂
***
Although, I don’t see good for the collective overall any time soon, I do see creation and good things amongst people every single day. I love the dogs I get to be around every single day. There are things I am grateful for every single day. There are things that make me laugh every single day. There is much love in my life every single day. And I’ve been angry, sad, disappointed, every single day for months.
***
This writing is the therapy in place of the therapy that I’ve not been able to access. The waiting lists are long. 2-3 months out. Anyone needing help or in the field knows this though. Everyone I know in those fields are struggling too. I feel you/see you/hear you. Thank you. Thank you for the work you do.
But let me tell you one of the things I think about a lot. One of the things that kept me up for near 42 hours.
The fear of not be able to get/afford my mood stabilizer (because of healthcare “reform”) but the relief that I’d be able to get gun and bullets because I live in these United States. There are no medical people, insurance companies, well wishers, I need to deal with in order to get those items in my little brown hands. For now, my little brown hands can care for me, can keep doing abhyanga massage, keep drawing, keep feeding myself. And I can write and I can type these words.  This is enough for now.
LittleBrownHands

Left: Yin/Yang Right: I-Ching Hexagram 14 (Abundance) from my perspective. And Hexagram 13 (Fellowship) from yours.