Enough For Now: These Little Brown Hands

Thank you to everyone I’ve been chatting/typing/texting with these past few days. Some people have said to me, but you were doing so well…I’m like, no no. I dropped my last semester in April after we finished shooting our Senior Film. Before that, I was crying every morning and late to classes most everyday. And the physical stuff this year: My right arm, from shoulder to wrist were messed up most of winter/and most of Spring, but I looked fine! Yay for all the childhood years of hiding my family traumas and gender identity stuff. Just, yay!
There were days I couldn’t lift my arm at all. One day I couldn’t lift either. My Aunt her boyfriend were present for that one. And it was scary. I was so sick in early May that I couldn’t eat. It got to a point where I couldn’t even eat/swallow oatmeal without cramping up and being nauseas. I had vertigo for most of March and April. My family in Nor Cal are witnesses. Luckily, my Aunt helped me out by introducing me to a holistic healer she recommended. After the first of several visits I could keep down food and the pain on my right side decreased to a 2 and now it only hurts/aches when I use it too much.
***
Traveling this summer has helped. Meeting and bonding with new people, seeing friends in person that I’ve known for years, some decades, has helped. A few days ago I crashed, which I know is completely understandable. Many did. I am fortunate in that my friend Victoria and by extension her wife Dora, saved my life again. Eternally grateful for them.
***
Some people advise me to step back, watch shows, read/listen to books, take walks, get out in nature. I am doing those things. I’ve been doing these things.Even when I wanted to lay on the couch all day earlier this week I didn’t. But I will if I have to and there’s no shame if you have to, too. Right now rage is fueling me and the outlet is writing and drawing. And this is more than about now. This is childhood stuff, and family stuff, and me betraying myself by being silent in our “no politics” family gatherings for the last several months. I have endured because I couldn’t lose any more family and I didn’t want to cause rifts in the family but I can’t do it anymore. At least not right now. And so I’m in SoCal trying to figure out my next move. And that is enough at the moment.
***
I have stepped away from social media in the past and will do so in future. I am seriously considering deleting my Facebook (not deleting myself from actual existence mind you). Right now though, social media platforms are how I connect with many of my people all over the globe. My people in my fandoms, fan art/fan fiction creators, just give me so much life. I can’t give that up at the moment. There are many ways to be and feel isolated and I don’t feel alone/isolated/ at this time. Like I said, I’m fighting an internal battle, like many of us. Winning so far 🙂
***
Although, I don’t see good for the collective overall any time soon, I do see creation and good things amongst people every single day. I love the dogs I get to be around every single day. There are things I am grateful for every single day. There are things that make me laugh every single day. There is much love in my life every single day. And I’ve been angry, sad, disappointed, every single day for months.
***
This writing is the therapy in place of the therapy that I’ve not been able to access. The waiting lists are long. 2-3 months out. Anyone needing help or in the field knows this though. Everyone I know in those fields are struggling too. I feel you/see you/hear you. Thank you.
But let me tell you one of the things I think about a lot. One of the things that kept me up for near 42 hours.
The fear of not be able to get/afford my mood stabilizer (because of healthcare “reform”) but the relief that I’d be able to get gun and bullets because I live in these United States. There are no medical people, insurance companies, well wishers, I need to deal with in order to get those items in my little brown hands. For now, my little brown hands can care for me, can keep doing abhyanga massage, keep drawing, keep feeding myself. And I can write and I can type. This is enough for now.
LittleBrownHands

Left: Yin/Yang Right: I-Ching Hexagram 14 (Abundance) from my perspective. And Hexagram 13 (Fellowship) from yours.

It Is Enough

Trigger Warning: depression, sexual assault, violence, murder

I’m in 3 classes and I have 3 to take in the fall and then my B.A. Another degree. I am studying what I like/love (film) but I really want to drop this semester. Like completely. I’m struggling. Last semester was my worst term with a 3.5. I know that doesn’t sound bad but it was for me. And this semester is at the half way point and looks like..not great for grades. But B’s and C’s earn degrees, right? And I really don’t know what else I would do.

***
A couple of weeks after the election everything was…and I fell ill, which lasted a few weeks. I thought I’d be ready for this term because I had a month off but 45 took office 4 days into it and I’ve been spinning, confused, holding on, trying to keep.
I’m telling myself this time will pass. But pass into what? But pass into what!?!
***
Every single day I have to force myself to leave the house. Every single day I ask myself is it worth it? And every day so far, I’m like, just go. Just go. But it’s like I have weights on my body and it’s like those dreams where you can’t move. Like you’re being chased and you don’t know what’s chasing you and you’re scared and you can’t run. It’s like being an insect stuck in molasses. It’s like a version of hell. Inescapable.
***
I’ve been late to almost every single class and almost every one of my meetings for various groups. Usually it’s not a problem but for one group it is. In my mind, it doesn’t matter if I’m there. It doesn’t matter if I’m late. If I’m late at least I showed up. Piss poor attitude for sure. Not happy about it but.. this is really how it is. Once I’m out and about I can get through these long days. But it takes a lot of inner monologuing.
***
My great sorrows that no pill and no conversation can help:
Many of my trans siblings are being discriminated against, targeted, assaulted, murdered, beaten to death. At least 7 trans womenhave been murdered so far this year in the United States. These are just the ones that we know of. And our kids. Our young ones. We have not made this a better for them. They are in the midst of this mess like us. And I can’t say to them, it gets better. I can’t say anything like that. I can listen though. I do listen. And I hope they live. I hope we live. Our lives aren’t anyone else’s to take.
***
As disconnected from my current environment as I’ve been feeling, I do have bursts of happiness and laughter. Of course I do. A good percentage of those bursts come from my people of the rainbow tribe, my friends, and some family. And right now..it is enough.
Thanks for reading.