Recent Past and Present Good Stuff

Time for good news sharing:
Inspired by my awesome new therapist. Reminding me to maintain healthy boundaries, to concentrate on my health in every way, which means providing for my basic needs: food and shelter, while I continue to move forward in my chosen career path. This seems maybe simple or obvious to people about the food/shelter part but it hasn’t been easy or simple for me for many reasons that I’ll one day be able to convey. Sorting through stuff now.
I am so damn grateful for the mental health services and social services here in San Diego. That I was able to see a psychiatrist, get a therapist, see my primary, and get a case manager (social worker) to help me find transitional housing (I’m hoping) and employment, is just incredible. All this in less than 2 weeks. Fortunate. Totally.
I have an incredible ability to focus/concentrate but not on multiple things at once. Tunnel vision is a great thing sometimes, detrimental at others. Perseverance is my special gift. So I know I can do what needs to be done to change my situation. Wouldn’t be able to do it without social support and the mental health and social services in place.
I’ve made choices. I choose what I feel I can do that gives me life. That doesn’t drag me down or feel soul-crushing. School had been the focus for so many years (I love learning) and now legitimately wholeheartedly creating LGBTQ content is the focus because I love us so fucking much and I know it saves people’s lives. Queer content has saved me. Media, ex. movies, tv, music, books, have gotten me through hard times over my life span and added to the overall beauty that is existence. Now at the same time, I am working on caring for myself financially because that is part of self-love too. And as my therapist shared with me, it’s hard to be mentally healthy if you don’t have a safe, stable, place to live. So on I go.
The past 8 months have been full of incredible learning experiences and so many opportunities. Applying for programs, workshops, attending conventions, etc. Making “Forward” Making beginner’s mistakes with “Forward” and dealing with issues unforeseen. *side note* We’re reshooting in 2 months. If you know of a soccer field we can use for two 9 hour days, get in touch please!
While all these awesome things have been happening, I’ve been cash poor (I grew up in poverty so this is something I’m used to that maybe now I’m thinking I shouldn’t be used to?) but I’ve been lucky enough to mostly every night have a place to crash during this transition from student to being out in the world living the dreams.
I want to thank my film people from LA and my film people from Sacramento area. Whenever I’ve needed help for film-related stuff, everyone I’ve contacted from Sac State’s film program, professors, alumni, current students, have been there for me, with advice, feedback, and help with Forward’s production. Infinite thanks and appreciation to you all. You know who you be 😉
And I want to thank my friends and family who’ve helped me out financially in the last few months. Especially recently when I’ve needed a bus pass to get around and as bad as this is, personal hygiene items. Yeh, I pretty much hit rock bottom in late May 😦 40 is a trip. It’s a life changing time. I’m up for it. It’s on!
This past year or so I’ve met so many people. New forever friends (I hope), people trying to make it, people making it, and people who have been making it for years. I will share that I have a mentor in the industry now. I was part of a small crew that interviewed him in April (my last paid gig *sigh*) and am now in a position of confidant and writing that probably won’t ever see the light of day. It’s super cool. Learning a lot about television and I feel really fucking fortunate and thankful for him.
I’m on a first name, hugs, beer giving, basis with the showrunner of Wynonna Earp (which you should totally watch because it’s fucking fantastic), and I get to see her in a few weeks (I hope) if I can get my shit together. She’s inspiring and supportive in so many ways. Her motto: Do No Harm But Take No Shit. One day I’ll be able to totally share about all that she’s done for and meant to our production team.

Earlier this month I met and attended a workshop at Youtube Space LA. Many people who are doing all kinds of LGBTQ media were in attendance. There were people just starting out, those of us who are in the middle of projects, and those who have completed things that I’ve seen on the air.


We were able to meet the man responsible for Netflix’s One Day At A Time. He took the (remake)show from idea to reality. He was incredibly generous with his time and sharing his career experiences. I’ll be at a live taping of a S3 episode later this summer.
At the same two day event, I was fortunate enough to have meals with and joke around with a showrunner/writer/producer of a show no longer on the air but which meant a lot to me when I was in my early 20s. Super cool to be able to talk with her and tell her in person what it meant to me, what a difference it made in my life. She’s funny, charming, generous, and has offered to read “1 thing” and give notes. So when it’s ready I’ll be sending my “1 thing” off to her. I’ll see her next April at a convention for LGBTQ women and allies. Psyched about it. Something to look forward to.
I want to be clear and say, even with meeting all these people, I still gotta do my work. Sometimes things fall into place but there’s always the work behind it. Oprah said years ago that success is opportunity plus preparedness. It may look someday to some people like I’m an overnight success story. That I popped up out of nowhere. That I’m a diversity hire possibly or what not. But some of you all will know what’s up. Some of you all have known me since age 16 when I first started writing and directing one-act plays. And one of you has known me since we were 13 when I first shared this dream out loud. (Love you, J!)
I’m currently wanting to get back to LA as soon as possible. It’s only been like 3 weeks but I’m missing it. I’ve decided to make it home for a while. I feel it’s where I need to be. Send good thoughts my way about this move if you will. Money is a thing.
Any old way, I’m just wanting to share some good-ish stuff with you all.
What’s a cool thing or a good thing that’s happened or is happening with you?

A Special Kind of Heartache

My heart is not broken but it is aching. I woke this morning to this pain.

Last night Dora, Victoria, and I, had a “family” meeting to check in with each other. After Monday’s talk last week, we briefly checked in every day but on Friday I asked if we could have a break and wait until Sunday to talk again.

Over the course of the week, I was able to renew my Cal Fresh and make several appointments. I lucked up due to people making cancellations. On Thursday I was able to get an assessment to be referred to a therapist and then the very next day! I had an intake appointment.  My new therapist and I have set up 3 appointments in July. Most appointments are always 2-3 months out. For instance, the psychiatrist appointment is in September. I have refills to get me through and I’ve been steady on my medication for years so I’m not concerned about that. I’m also on a waiting list, so if anyone cancels I’ll see the new psychiatrist sooner.

So. Heartache.
Last night Dora and Victoria told me, after talking it over with their therapists, that they needed to set a limit for me to be here. I have to be out in 30 days. They have mental health issues going on and it is causing them stress for me to be here because they feel responsible for me. They aren’t and we all know this but these feelings that they share are real, debilitating, and affecting their mental well being.

I understand wholeheartedly doing what’s best for one’s mental health. That is the #1 priority. I am also feeling betrayed. They have told me repeatedly over this past year that I always have a place with them. That this is a safe place.

I fell out with my family up North last summer because some of them voted for Trump and I just can’t be aligned with them. I tried for months to keep it together but after Charlottesville, I couldn’t. They were still talking about him not being a racist! My family here in Southern California used to be a safe place but in January my Aunt’s eldest son physically attacked me because he is mentally unwell, he doesn’t like my queerness, and he’s jealous of my relationship with his mother. He lives at her house, so I’m not able to be there at this time. And lastly, my parental units. Our relationship is fractured because of their issues with my transition.
One of the things reverberating in my head is something Dora said last night. She said they wanted to be the ones to help me and be there for me and that it stemmed from white privileged guilt. Her words. These words shook me and now I question our entire relationship.
Dora’s parents bought her this house and Victoria’s parents bought her her house and they’ve told me repeatedly over the years that they couldn’t have the lives they do without their parents’ help/support/money.  Dora said, they so wanted to be there for me, but they are not my parents and can’t be responsible for me. The thing is, I didn’t know that they felt that they were! And while I know that I need to be responsible for my own food and shelter, I thought we were friends who were more than friends. I thought this was a safe place for me. Like a port in the storm. I believed what they told me over the past year. That we were family. I’ve known Dora for over 7 years and I’ve known Victoria for over 10 years and my heart is achy because we’ve lost something that I held as precious. That I thought was solid and forever.

They say they worry about me, they also feel guilty. I told them not to worry about me and that I can’t carry their fear and guilt with me (boundaries yo!), especially as I make changes to my life.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about is that in the entire time I’ve known them we’ve never been in the same house at the same time for more than 2 weeks. Our schedules never allowed for it. I’d be here on winter break or summer break from school. I’d be with family or visiting friends and/or they’d be at their summer house. So honestly, I doubt that I’ll be here until July 17th. It seems unlikely. But I don’t want to make rash choices. I want to give myself the opportunity to maintain my health and plan my next steps.
I feel hurt and tired today and of course, my throat is getting sore.
(my Taurus is showing) But I also feel like things are working for my highest good. And I feel I can handle what comes up.

I wrote this out so I could get this out and refocus my energy on the things I need to do to improve my life.

I’ve meditated today. Reached out to one of my best friends and after talking with her I feel a bit better. I’m going to make some tea and honestly probably take a nap. I have a paid work opportunity this afternoon (helping organize my friend’s garage for a little cash) so there’s that.

Thanks for reading.