It Is Enough

Trigger Warning: depression, sexual assault, violence, murder

I’m in 3 classes and I have 3 to take in the fall and then my B.A. Another degree. I am studying what I like/love (film) but I really want to drop this semester. Like completely. I’m struggling. Last semester was my worst term with a 3.5. I know that doesn’t sound bad but it was for me. And this semester is at the half way point and looks like..not great for grades. But B’s and C’s earn degrees, right? And I really don’t know what else I would do.

***
A couple of weeks after the election everything was…and I fell ill, which lasted a few weeks. I thought I’d be ready for this term because I had a month off but 45 took office 4 days into it and I’ve been spinning, confused, holding on, trying to keep.
I’m telling myself this time will pass. But pass into what? But pass into what!?!
***
Every single day I have to force myself to leave the house. Every single day I ask myself is it worth it? And every day so far, I’m like, just go. Just go. But it’s like I have weights on my body and it’s like those dreams where you can’t move. Like you’re being chased and you don’t know what’s chasing you and you’re scared and you can’t run. It’s like being an insect stuck in molasses. It’s like a version of hell. Inescapable.
***
I’ve been late to almost every single class and almost every one of my meetings for various groups. Usually it’s not a problem but for one group it is. In my mind, it doesn’t matter if I’m there. It doesn’t matter if I’m late. If I’m late at least I showed up. Piss poor attitude for sure. Not happy about it but.. this is really how it is. Once I’m out and about I can get through these long days. But it takes a lot of inner monologuing.
***
My great sorrows that no pill and no conversation can help:
Many of my trans siblings are being discriminated against, targeted, assaulted, murdered, beaten to death. At least 7 trans womenhave been murdered so far this year in the United States. These are just the ones that we know of. And our kids. Our young ones. We have not made this a better for them. They are in the midst of this mess like us. And I can’t say to them, it gets better. I can’t say anything like that. I can listen though. I do listen. And I hope they live. I hope we live. Our lives aren’t anyone else’s to take.
***
As disconnected from my current environment as I’ve been feeling, I do have bursts of happiness and laughter. Of course I do. A good percentage of those bursts come from my people of the rainbow tribe, my friends, and some family. And right now..it is enough.
Thanks for reading.

Blood Angry Yet Spirit Thankful

This a thank you post to my cousin V, for listening and giving me a hug when I was done talking.
I haven’t been sleeping properly the last week or so. Maybe 4-5 hours a day, and not consecutively. I only did homework for 1 class this week and totally skipped 3 classes. I’ve been feeling really angry. Like so angry that it feels like heat coming from my skin. Like so angry that I’ve broken out in a rash on one of my arms.  And I didn’t really know why until I started talking with my cousin. I am angry at the laws and proposed bills all over our country that discriminate against lgbtq people or people who are perceived as gender non-conforming. As of right now, there are over 175 anti-lgbt bills across 32 states trying to become law. Like seriously. How are we supposed to live with this and be totally healthy and productive members of this society?
 
I am angry that some of the things I hear coming out of people pushing these bills are sometimes verbatim what my mother has said to me. I am angry that when I came out to my mom as trans the first thing she said was she knew, then a year or so later said that she’d never accept me as I am. That the rest of the family was going along with it but she wouldn’t because she knows that it is wrong and she is right with her God. I am angry because my relationship with my mom and dad is non-existent and there is nothing to be done about it. I am angry because one day this week I woke up saying, Fuck You! and I was dreaming of talking with my parents. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not like this but now, I guess I am.
I am angry because some kids and young adults I mentor and am friends with online are struggling with things I’ve struggled with (and it’s bringing a bunch of stuff back up for me) and I literally cannot say, it gets better. I cannot actually say don’t kill yourself, but I do listen and tell them I love them and they are here for a reason. I do pass on telephone numbers to crisis lines. I do donate to The Trevor Project.
I am angry because our kids (our gaybies) are killing themselves and self harming because of this society that hates and fears people like us. I am angry because parents are killing their kids for being lgbtq are being perceived as potentially being lgbtq. I am angry because people think people like us are less human than they are and think they have the right to abuse us and take our lives. I am angry because people think we are a joke, a punchline. Our lives are so funny we are laughing up blood, bruised bodies, bullets in the head.
 
I am not just a ball of anger though. I am always more than one thing. I am thankful for family, friends, acquaintances, allies. I am thankful for a roof over my head, food in the cabinets, and fridge, I am thankful to have access to medical care, I am grateful for music, tv, movies, the internet, social media. I am thankful for school, my mentors, paid work in the field that I love. I am thankful for my physical health. I am thankful to be able to put words together to express my emotions and thoughts. I am thankful for you who read this.