So no matter what I answer when you ask, “How are you?”, know that this is the answer. Yet, whatever else I reply is simultaneously, also true. Like most of us, I can feel multiple things at the same time. The takeaway is that no matter what I look like, or seem like, I am fighting for my life and I am winning.
The last time I considered killing myself was August 17th and Auntie T. helped me through it. Thank you, Auntie T. And my friend VH., unknowingly saved my life, because I was in the midst of writing a final note when she came into the room and told me I could stay here as long as I needed to. I burst into tears but she didn’t know why. Just that I was stressed and didn’t feel like I had any emotionally safe place to go/be. I would not be here writing this tonight if not for her. She saved my life. Thank you, VH.
I am telling you all this not to scare you. I am telling you this so there is no miscommunication. So that there is no misunderstanding. You are my family that I see and interact with the most in physical life and I am grateful for you, especially since I’ve lost Pam and Quinn. But I am struggling. And yes, I am on a waiting list for a therapist. And I have called the access crisis line/suicide lifeline when I needed to talk to people who aren’t so emotionally involved.
*** My two previous suicide attempts, the first at age 16 and another time in my early 30s, I did not write notes because I felt there was nothing to say. Seriously, nothing to say. No one’s fault. My life, my choice. But actually writing the note 2 weeks ago, was just..it’s impossible to describe. I know this hurts to read. It hurts me to write it. I hurt all the time though. But I also live with it. I live with pain like many of us do. When I write “us” I mean all of us. All of you reading these words. We all experience pain and fear.
A., I am not there this weekend because I didn’t feel like I could speak with you directly or see JC.’s face. Him smiling in my face, saying, “my guy is in, your guy is out,” does my head in. I think about it a lot. Especially after seeing all those politicians smiling after the passage of the Affordable Healthcare Care (Obamacare) replacement bill, this past May. I see those smiling faces with KKK hoods. I see evil celebrating. Blame it on my awesome imagination and my chronic mental illness. I do not think of JC. as evil. I do not think of you as evil. I do feel that your vote condones evil.
Because our family has instituted a ‘no politics’ rule to keep the ‘peace’ and I believe that silence is complicity, I’m having a tough time knowing my place in our family. VH. says that she can’t tell when I’m in serious distress because I don’t look like it. I think partly this is because I grew up knowing I was queer/trans, partly because I just wanted to get through, didn’t want trouble, didn’t want to be rejected. Hiding helped me get through my childhood but I was too good at hiding and that mask? or norm at this point, doesn’t help me when I’m in trouble.
As far as our family goes, I wish I was there but I can’t be. I especially feel sad about D. and Z. (the kids) because I love them so much. Like so very much. They are so awesome. That JC. said at Thanksgiving, if I felt the way I feel, that he didn’t want them around me, really scared me because I’ve already lost family members for being who I am/living my truth. And I was homeless for 2 years on and off before I moved in with Auntie T. and I finally had a home and I can’t be the cause of any more division in our family. I’ve said this to Auntie T. and V.
I honestly don’t know how to resolve this. So those of you who pray, keep praying. And if you can help me, if you know a way to help me, please do so.