Henny Penny

I have said this to very few people because I didn’t want to put a negative vision out into the world. *shaking my head while cry laughing*

Soon after the November election, but especially those first few days after the inauguration, with the First Executive Order, I knew that Law was over. Government was done. Our country as we knew it, destroyed.

When I say I live in a police state and have for years, my friends are surprised and some deny my experience. Not in total bad faith exactly but just naiveté? Fear? Denial? I do not know.

It is important for me now that I speak my truth because I live it. It’s pressing on me. I’m pressed. I’ve been depressed for months now. Months, ya’ll.

Do I have answers? No. Do I see light in our near future? No. We have had many warnings in the last few years. Yes. I’m certain ya’ll can think of some.

I think most about the genocide of the people in Flint, Michigan, by the people, of the government. I think about the attempted murders of the people protesting Dakota Access Pipeline, by the people, of the government. I think about all of the people who have been executed, by the police. So many of these murders recorded. So much of the footage circulated by the people, for the people.

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken.

The tell is, how many friendships and familial relationships have been negatively impacted.

How many of your relationships with people you love and who love you have been affected?

Remember our shared history of family and friends fighting against each other? Remember our Civil War?

Remember the treasonous South. The symbols of that rebellion are still everywhere. One of the major issues of our now time, Friday, August 18, 2017.

We do not have until 2018 or 2020*and there is no peaceful way to get 45 out of office. Anything we do will feed what he’s been serving for the past couple years. Words have been preemptively been used as weapons against us.

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken. And maybe because our country was founded by people who wanted freedom but who thought it fine to build their freedom on the brutalized bodies and blood soaked soil, of the people, who were here first. Maybe because our great nation was built by people who were enslaved.

I am an ascendant of people who were enslaved.

Helping_Hand_Tape_20150103

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken. So what?

Looking at the list of successors** is disheartening. The entire list seems to be complicit and complacent. We’d need special elections, which we won’t do, because what will that say about us? What would it look like?

We are not as great as we thought we were. We are in fact like many other nations of the world who have engaged in civil wars for years.

We’d have to admit our electoral college has failed us. We’d have to admit that our government has never been for ALL THE PEOPLE. We’d have to change.

People are slow to change though. We are too slow, we are too ‘polite’, we are afraid, and our corrupt bureaucratic culture is a three-toed sloth.

During this past week, people have been waking up to realize what so many people, so many people of color, so many people who belong to minority groups in our United States of America, have been talking about for YEARS! Years ya’ll.

Too late. Too slow.

This is not a call to arms. This is not a call to action. I don’t have answers. This is me sounding off. A Henny Penny who sees the Sky Fall.

Those of you who hold a higher vision for humanity, thank goodness for you! Seriously. Thank you ❤

I’m tapped out.

**
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It Is Enough

Trigger Warning: depression, sexual assault, violence, murder

I’m in 3 classes and I have 3 to take in the fall and then my B.A. Another degree. I am studying what I like/love (film) but I really want to drop this semester. Like completely. I’m struggling. Last semester was my worst term with a 3.5. I know that doesn’t sound bad but it was for me. And this semester is at the half way point and looks like..not great for grades. But B’s and C’s earn degrees, right? And I really don’t know what else I would do.

***
A couple of weeks after the election everything was…and I fell ill, which lasted a few weeks. I thought I’d be ready for this term because I had a month off but 45 took office 4 days into it and I’ve been spinning, confused, holding on, trying to keep.
I’m telling myself this time will pass. But pass into what? But pass into what!?!
***
Every single day I have to force myself to leave the house. Every single day I ask myself is it worth it? And every day so far, I’m like, just go. Just go. But it’s like I have weights on my body and it’s like those dreams where you can’t move. Like you’re being chased and you don’t know what’s chasing you and you’re scared and you can’t run. It’s like being an insect stuck in molasses. It’s like a version of hell. Inescapable.
***
I’ve been late to almost every single class and almost every one of my meetings for various groups. Usually it’s not a problem but for one group it is. In my mind, it doesn’t matter if I’m there. It doesn’t matter if I’m late. If I’m late at least I showed up. Piss poor attitude for sure. Not happy about it but.. this is really how it is. Once I’m out and about I can get through these long days. But it takes a lot of inner monologuing.
***
My great sorrows that no pill and no conversation can help:
Many of my trans siblings are being discriminated against, targeted, assaulted, murdered, beaten to death. At least 7 trans womenhave been murdered so far this year in the United States. These are just the ones that we know of. And our kids. Our young ones. We have not made this a better for them. They are in the midst of this mess like us. And I can’t say to them, it gets better. I can’t say anything like that. I can listen though. I do listen. And I hope they live. I hope we live. Our lives aren’t anyone else’s to take.
***
As disconnected from my current environment as I’ve been feeling, I do have bursts of happiness and laughter. Of course I do. A good percentage of those bursts come from my people of the rainbow tribe, my friends, and some family. And right now..it is enough.
Thanks for reading.