Enough For Now: These Little Brown Hands

Thank you to everyone I’ve been chatting/typing/texting with these past few days. Some people have said to me, but you were doing so well…I’m like, no no. I dropped my last semester in April after we finished shooting our Senior Film. Before that, I was crying every morning and late to classes most everyday. And the physical stuff this year: My right arm, from shoulder to wrist were messed up most of winter/and most of Spring, but I looked fine! Yay for all the childhood years of hiding my family traumas and gender identity stuff. Just, yay!
There were days I couldn’t lift my arm at all. One day I couldn’t lift either. My Aunt and her boyfriend were present for that one. And it was scary. I was so sick in early May that I couldn’t eat. It got to a point where I couldn’t even eat/swallow oatmeal without cramping up and being nauseous. I had vertigo for most of March and April. My family in Nor Cal are witnesses. Luckily, my Aunt helped me, by introducing me to a holistic healer she recommended. After the first of several visits I could keep down food and the pain on my right side decreased to a 2 out of 10 on a pain scale, and now it only hurts/aches when I use it too much.
Traveling this summer has helped. Meeting and bonding with new people, seeing friends in person that I’ve known for years, some for decades, has helped. A few days ago I crashed, which I know is completely understandable. Many did. I am fortunate in that my friend Victoria and by extension her wife Dora, saved my life again. Eternally grateful for them.
Some people advise me to step back, watch shows, read/listen to books, take walks, get out in nature. I am doing those things. I’ve been doing these things! Even when I wanted to lay on the couch all day earlier this week I didn’t. But I will, if need be, and there’s no shame if you have to, too. Right now, rage is fueling me and the outlet is writing and drawing. And this is about more than this moment. This is childhood stuff, and family stuff, and me betraying myself by being silent in our “no politics” family gatherings these last several months. I have endured because I could not lose any more family and I didn’t want to cause rifts in the family but I can’t do it anymore. At least not right now. And so I’m in SoCal trying to figure out my next move. And that is enough for now.
I have stepped away from social media in the past and will do so in future. I am seriously considering deleting my Facebook (not deleting myself from actual existence mind you). Right now though, social media platforms are how I connect with many of my people all over the globe. My people in my fandoms, fan art/fan fiction creators, just give me so much life. I can’t give that up at the moment. There are many ways to be and feel isolated and I don’t feel alone/isolated/ at this time. Like I said, I’m fighting an internal battle, like many of us. Winning so far 🙂
Although, I don’t see good for the collective overall any time soon, I do see creation and good things amongst people every single day. I love the dogs I get to be around every single day. There are things I am grateful for every single day. There are things that make me laugh every single day. There is much love in my life every single day. And I’ve been angry, sad, disappointed, every single day for months.
This writing is the therapy in place of the therapy that I’ve not been able to access. The waiting lists are long. 2-3 months out. Anyone needing help or in the field knows this though. Everyone I know in those fields are struggling too. I feel you/see you/hear you. Thank you. Thank you for the work you do.
But let me tell you one of the things I think about a lot. One of the things that kept me up for near 42 hours.
The fear of not be able to get/afford my mood stabilizer (because of healthcare “reform”) but the relief that I’d be able to get gun and bullets because I live in these United States. There are no medical people, insurance companies, well wishers, I need to deal with in order to get those items in my little brown hands. For now, my little brown hands can care for me, can keep doing abhyanga massage, keep drawing, keep feeding myself. And I can write and I can type these words.  This is enough for now.

Left: Yin/Yang Right: I-Ching Hexagram 14 (Abundance) from my perspective. And Hexagram 13 (Fellowship) from yours.


Henny Penny

I have said this to very few people because I didn’t want to put a negative vision out into the world. *shaking my head while cry laughing*

Soon after the November election, but especially those first few days after the inauguration, with the First Executive Order, I knew that Law was over. Government was done. Our country as we knew it, destroyed.

When I say I live in a police state and have for years, my friends are surprised and some deny my experience. Not in total bad faith exactly but just naiveté? Fear? Denial? I do not know.

It is important for me now that I speak my truth because I live it. It’s pressing on me. I’m pressed. I’ve been depressed for months now. Months, ya’ll.

Do I have answers? No. Do I see light in our near future? No. We have had many warnings in the last few years. Yes. I’m certain ya’ll can think of some.

I think most about the genocide of the people in Flint, Michigan, by the people, of the government. I think about the attempted murders of the people protesting Dakota Access Pipeline, by the people, of the government. I think about all of the people who have been executed, by the police. So many of these murders recorded. So much of the footage circulated by the people, for the people.

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken.

The tell is, how many friendships and familial relationships have been negatively impacted.

How many of your relationships with people you love and who love you have been affected?

Remember our shared history of family and friends fighting against each other? Remember our Civil War?

Remember the treasonous South. The symbols of that rebellion are still everywhere. One of the major issues of our now time, Friday, August 18, 2017.

We do not have until 2018 or 2020*and there is no peaceful way to get 45 out of office. Anything we do will feed what he’s been serving for the past couple years. Words have been preemptively been used as weapons against us.

We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken. And maybe because our country was founded by people who wanted freedom but who thought it fine to build their freedom on the brutalized bodies and blood soaked soil, of the people, who were here first. Maybe because our great nation was built by people who were enslaved.

I am an ascendant of people who were enslaved.


We are a country divided. We are a nation divided. We are a people divided. We are broken. So what?

Looking at the list of successors** is disheartening. The entire list seems to be complicit and complacent. We’d need special elections, which we won’t do, because what will that say about us? What would it look like?

We are not as great as we thought we were. We are in fact like many other nations of the world who have engaged in civil wars for years.

We’d have to admit our electoral college has failed us. We’d have to admit that our government has never been for ALL THE PEOPLE. We’d have to change.

People are slow to change though. We are too slow, we are too ‘polite’, we are afraid, and our corrupt bureaucratic culture is a three-toed sloth.

During this past week, people have been waking up to realize what so many people, so many people of color, so many people who belong to minority groups in our United States of America, have been talking about for YEARS! Years ya’ll.

Too late. Too slow.

This is not a call to arms. This is not a call to action. I don’t have answers. This is me sounding off. A Henny Penny who sees the Sky Fall.

Those of you who hold a higher vision for humanity, thank goodness for you! Seriously. Thank you ❤

I’m tapped out.

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