A Special Kind of Heartache

My heart is not broken but it is aching. I woke this morning to this pain.

Last night Dora, Victoria, and I, had a “family” meeting to check in with each other. After Monday’s talk last week, we briefly checked in every day but on Friday I asked if we could have a break and wait until Sunday to talk again.

Over the course of the week, I was able to renew my Cal Fresh and make several appointments. I lucked up due to people making cancellations. On Thursday I was able to get an assessment to be referred to a therapist and then the very next day! I had an intake appointment.  My new therapist and I have set up 3 appointments in July. Most appointments are always 2-3 months out. For instance, the psychiatrist appointment is in September. I have refills to get me through and I’ve been steady on my medication for years so I’m not concerned about that. I’m also on a waiting list, so if anyone cancels I’ll see the new psychiatrist sooner.

So. Heartache.
Last night Dora and Victoria told me, after talking it over with their therapists, that they needed to set a limit for me to be here. I have to be out in 30 days. They have mental health issues going on and it is causing them stress for me to be here because they feel responsible for me. They aren’t and we all know this but these feelings that they share are real, debilitating, and affecting their mental well being.

I understand wholeheartedly doing what’s best for one’s mental health. That is the #1 priority. I am also feeling betrayed. They have told me repeatedly over this past year that I always have a place with them. That this is a safe place.

I fell out with my family up North last summer because some of them voted for Trump and I just can’t be aligned with them. I tried for months to keep it together but after Charlottesville, I couldn’t. They were still talking about him not being a racist! My family here in Southern California used to be a safe place but in January my Aunt’s eldest son physically attacked me because he is mentally unwell, he doesn’t like my queerness, and he’s jealous of my relationship with his mother. He lives at her house, so I’m not able to be there at this time. And lastly, my parental units. Our relationship is fractured because of their issues with my transition.
***
One of the things reverberating in my head is something Dora said last night. She said they wanted to be the ones to help me and be there for me and that it stemmed from white privileged guilt. Her words. These words shook me and now I question our entire relationship.
Dora’s parents bought her this house and Victoria’s parents bought her her house and they’ve told me repeatedly over the years that they couldn’t have the lives they do without their parents’ help/support/money.  Dora said, they so wanted to be there for me, but they are not my parents and can’t be responsible for me. The thing is, I didn’t know that they felt that they were! And while I know that I need to be responsible for my own food and shelter, I thought we were friends who were more than friends. I thought this was a safe place for me. Like a port in the storm. I believed what they told me over the past year. That we were family. I’ve known Dora for over 7 years and I’ve known Victoria for over 10 years and my heart is achy because we’ve lost something that I held as precious. That I thought was solid and forever.

They say they worry about me, they also feel guilty. I told them not to worry about me and that I can’t carry their fear and guilt with me (boundaries yo!), especially as I make changes to my life.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about is that in the entire time I’ve known them we’ve never been in the same house at the same time for more than 2 weeks. Our schedules never allowed for it. I’d be here on winter break or summer break from school. I’d be with family or visiting friends and/or they’d be at their summer house. So honestly, I doubt that I’ll be here until July 17th. It seems unlikely. But I don’t want to make rash choices. I want to give myself the opportunity to maintain my health and plan my next steps.
****
I feel hurt and tired today and of course, my throat is getting sore.
(my Taurus is showing) But I also feel like things are working for my highest good. And I feel I can handle what comes up.

I wrote this out so I could get this out and refocus my energy on the things I need to do to improve my life.

I’ve meditated today. Reached out to one of my best friends and after talking with her I feel a bit better. I’m going to make some tea and honestly probably take a nap. I have a paid work opportunity this afternoon (helping organize my friend’s garage for a little cash) so there’s that.

Thanks for reading.

Evan_40yrs1mo

 

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Let Us Create Change Now

I am thinking of the marches and protests over time in our young nation.

We are due for a nationwide protest.
We are due for a revolution.

Even if 10 percent of the 325 million Americans (approximately 70 million are under age 18) show up to strategic locations across the US and don’t leave we’ll make change happen. We could rotate.
30 million of us.
I mean even 1%, the ever powerful 1%, is 3 million.
3 million of us.

We camp out for new video games/consoles, celebrities/tv shows/movies at comic-cons/several cons, music concerts, etc.
Not shaming any of us who do this. We love what we love and it brings us entertainment and pleasure. We bond. Collect experiences. Some of us need to do these things. But we need to do other things too.

As a nation, as human beings, we are in trouble.
We are frogs and lobsters. But it’s not too late. Not yet.

How far will things go? How far will we let ourselves go?

I am not the organizer.
I know some of us are.
I am the dreamer. The trumpet.
At this point, I really don’t know what to do. I just know WE have to do something. Those of us who are able and willing. Those who are not, I hope will support those who are.

The current situation of parents and their children being ripped from each other is sickening, heartbreaking, unfathomable, cruel, intolerable. These kids will be subject to violence, sexual abuse, and death. At the very LEAST their psyches will be traumatized.

We are beyond nightmare status.

This blight on our collective will be inescapable. We will carry it throughout time. Unless we act NOW.

I thought things were bad before. I was really fucked up during Fall 2016, Winter and Spring 2017. I gave up after the Charlottesville attack in summer 2017. Disappointed, dispirited. Just done. To not give up totally on life, to not give up my life, I decided to put my sole focus on art. Because art is creation is life. Art saves lives. Art saves me daily.

But this is so much worse than I could’ve imagined. So much worse. And it’s not over, my fellow Frogs & Lobsters. Not nearly. But I believe it can be. I believe we can make changes for the good of us all. When we unite and don’t budge. When we unite and decide to value one another as human beings.

Where are the “troublemakers” amongst us?

I have a friend who puts himself at great personal, physical, and emotional harm nearly every day. I read his stories. He is literally fighting the good fight. He’s a ’78 baby like me, but I know he is tired and worn. And at this time, I feel mentally fragile, physically vulnerable, and just fucking scared, you know? I feel helpless, hopeless, unbelieving, and unbelievably angry.

These moments that I am typing these words, I am immersed in beauty. The sky is blue, the weather is warm, the beach is near. I am truly one of the fortunate ones. Rich in friendship, surrounded by love. But I live with visions. Our streets destroyed, our lives stolen, disregarded, discarded.
We are trash.
I see everyone losing what freedom they think they have.
I hear the screams, Where are my children? Where are my children? I feel this pain in every part of my body, my blood, my bones.
I also see us moving beyond our collective bystander status. I see us fighting for what is right. I see us working towards what is humane. I see us crying out for justice. I see us winning. I see us building on what is broken.

What can we do? What are some solutions?
What can I do? What can you do?
We have to do something (some things).
And we cannot wait.
We have to do it NOW.