Queer (Q)uestions/(A)nswered

Q: Why do you talk about gay* stuff all the time?
A: Why don’t you?
 
Q: Why do you talk about gay stuff so much?
A: Because most everything is super gay from my perspective. I mean I’ve been non-straight since I was a kid. So..you know everything I see is through that lens.
 
Q: Did you ever want to be straight?
A: Once. During a really bad break up. And only because I knew I wouldn’t care as much.
 
Q: Do you ever wish you were straight?
A: 😂😂😂😂😂😂
I mean not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my good friends are straight. And most of my family is straight.
 
Q: Why do you push your ‘gay agenda’ on people?
A: I just live my life and love. I love who I love and I love what I want. And I like to share what I love. Don’t yuck my yum. Why do you push your straight agenda on people?
 
Q: Why are there so many gay things on tv now?
A: Because gay people exist. Not everyone is straight.
 
Q: Why is there so much gay shit on tv? I don’t want my kids to see that.
A: Because gay people exist. Not everyone is straight. Stop assuming people are straight. Especially your kids. Our gaybies need love and protection. And just what is the fear about kids seeing gay people in media, in real life? I mean for all of us who have been inundated with images of non-gay relationships all our lives, we still turned out perfectly *queer.
**Are all straight people subject to losing their sexual preference simply because they’ve been exposed to images of people who don’t fit on a linear heteronormative binary?
 
Q: Why do you talk about being trans?
A. Because I love myself and I love being trans. And I love us so very much. As a whole, I think we are Beautiful and Brave. What I don’t love is the bs from other people that comes along with it.
Also.. if I waited for someone cisgender (not trans) to affirm my existence I’d be waiting for..uh..no. No thank you. No trans person I’ve ever met is like any other trans person I’ve met and no cis person can ever know what any trans person goes through.
Who knows my experiences better than I?
Also, being somewhat open and out helps me meet and connect with so many of my siblings.
 
Q: Do you ever wish you weren’t trans?
A: No.
 
Q: Did you ever wish you were’t trans?
A: Yes. But only because I didn’t think I could live in this world. Yes. but only because I didn’t think I could live in this world and be loved for who I am, as I am. Yes. But only because I thought I couldn’t live in this world without my body being violated, mutilated, killed. Yes. But only because I didn’t think I could live in this world and provide for myself. Yes. But only because I was afraid of being homeless. Yes. But only because I didn’t want to lose people in my life. Special shot out to my parents: Mom and Dad, Fuck ya’ll. Yes. But only because I didn’t want to be a statistic. Yes. But mainly because I was terrified.
 
Q: Do you ever wish you were just born a boy?
A: No. I’d still be trans. I don’t identify as man or woman. I am neither. Plus..I liked kissing and humping with boys so much that if I were born a boy I’d have been a little queer black boy growing up in the 80s. Joy! 🙄 I’m glad I got to skip that. I experienced many privileges growing up/being raised as a girl. Especially in my family.
 
Q: Why do you care so much about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, pansexual, asexual, representation in television, films, music.etc?
A: Because media shapes culture. When we see ourselves, we can be ourselves. And maybe one day the dominant culture will see us as fellow human beings, equally deserving of good health, love, joy, happiness..and so on.
 
Q: Why do you have to talk about gay this, gay that? We get it ffs!
A: Because I love gay stuff 😍 Don’t yuck my yum.
 
Q: Why is everything so gay?
A: Because gay is happiness. Gay is good. Every single thing you see today or touch today someone on the queer spectrum had a part in it. You’re welcome.
 
Q: Why do you post so many things about being queer? I don’t want to see all that. Imma pray for you.
 
A: Fam, how often do you talk about or post about lgbtqia issues? How often do you talk about homosexuality in a positive way? If I didn’t speak/post about queer stuff, if we didn’t speak on it, who would? Would you? Seriously, gtfo Unfollow me. But hey, thanks for those prayers. Lift me up. Remind me of the meaning of my chosen name: God js gracious. Remember that my chosen name rhymes with Heaven. .🎤remember, remember, remember…🎤
 
Q: Do you spit or swallow?
A: I swallow. Yum. How about you?
 
*gay/queer used as umbrella terms
 
 
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Enough For Now: These Little Brown Hands

Thank you to everyone I’ve been chatting/typing/texting with these past few days. Some people have said to me, but you were doing so well…I’m like, no no. I dropped my last semester in April after we finished shooting our Senior Film. Before that, I was crying every morning and late to classes most everyday. And the physical stuff this year: My right arm, from shoulder to wrist were messed up most of winter/and most of Spring, but I looked fine! Yay for all the childhood years of hiding my family traumas and gender identity stuff. Just, yay!
There were days I couldn’t lift my arm at all. One day I couldn’t lift either. My Aunt and her boyfriend were present for that one. And it was scary. I was so sick in early May that I couldn’t eat. It got to a point where I couldn’t even eat/swallow oatmeal without cramping up and being nauseous. I had vertigo for most of March and April. My family in Nor Cal are witnesses. Luckily, my Aunt helped me, by introducing me to a holistic healer she recommended. After the first of several visits I could keep down food and the pain on my right side decreased to a 2 out of 10 on a pain scale, and now it only hurts/aches when I use it too much.
***
Traveling this summer has helped. Meeting and bonding with new people, seeing friends in person that I’ve known for years, some for decades, has helped. A few days ago I crashed, which I know is completely understandable. Many did. I am fortunate in that my friend Victoria and by extension her wife Dora, saved my life again. Eternally grateful for them.
***
Some people advise me to step back, watch shows, read/listen to books, take walks, get out in nature. I am doing those things. I’ve been doing these things! Even when I wanted to lay on the couch all day earlier this week I didn’t. But I will, if need be, and there’s no shame if you have to, too. Right now, rage is fueling me and the outlet is writing and drawing. And this is about more than this moment. This is childhood stuff, and family stuff, and me betraying myself by being silent in our “no politics” family gatherings these last several months. I have endured because I could not lose any more family and I didn’t want to cause rifts in the family but I can’t do it anymore. At least not right now. And so I’m in SoCal trying to figure out my next move. And that is enough for now.
***
I have stepped away from social media in the past and will do so in future. I am seriously considering deleting my Facebook (not deleting myself from actual existence mind you). Right now though, social media platforms are how I connect with many of my people all over the globe. My people in my fandoms, fan art/fan fiction creators, just give me so much life. I can’t give that up at the moment. There are many ways to be and feel isolated and I don’t feel alone/isolated/ at this time. Like I said, I’m fighting an internal battle, like many of us. Winning so far 🙂
***
Although, I don’t see good for the collective overall any time soon, I do see creation and good things amongst people every single day. I love the dogs I get to be around every single day. There are things I am grateful for every single day. There are things that make me laugh every single day. There is much love in my life every single day. And I’ve been angry, sad, disappointed, every single day for months.
***
This writing is the therapy in place of the therapy that I’ve not been able to access. The waiting lists are long. 2-3 months out. Anyone needing help or in the field knows this though. Everyone I know in those fields are struggling too. I feel you/see you/hear you. Thank you. Thank you for the work you do.
But let me tell you one of the things I think about a lot. One of the things that kept me up for near 42 hours.
The fear of not be able to get/afford my mood stabilizer (because of healthcare “reform”) but the relief that I’d be able to get gun and bullets because I live in these United States. There are no medical people, insurance companies, well wishers, I need to deal with in order to get those items in my little brown hands. For now, my little brown hands can care for me, can keep doing abhyanga massage, keep drawing, keep feeding myself. And I can write and I can type these words.  This is enough for now.
LittleBrownHands

Left: Yin/Yang Right: I-Ching Hexagram 14 (Abundance) from my perspective. And Hexagram 13 (Fellowship) from yours.