This a thank you post to my cousin V, for listening and giving me a hug when I was done talking.
I haven’t been sleeping properly the last week or so. Maybe 4-5 hours a day, and not consecutively. I only did homework for 1 class this week and totally skipped 3 classes. I’ve been feeling really angry. Like so angry that it feels like heat coming from my skin. Like so angry that I’ve broken out in a rash on one of my arms. And I didn’t really know why until I started talking with my cousin. I am angry at the laws and proposed bills all over our country that discriminate against lgbtq people or people who are perceived as gender non-conforming. As of right now, there are over 175 anti-lgbt bills across 32 states trying to become law. Like seriously. How are we supposed to live with this and be totally healthy and productive members of this society?
I am angry that some of the things I hear coming out of people pushing these bills are sometimes verbatim what my mother has said to me. I am angry that when I came out to my mom as trans the first thing she said was she knew, then a year or so later said that she’d never accept me as I am. That the rest of the family was going along with it but she wouldn’t because she knows that it is wrong and she is right with her God. I am angry because my relationship with my mom and dad is non-existent and there is nothing to be done about it. I am angry because one day this week I woke up saying, Fuck You! and I was dreaming of talking with my parents. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not like this but now, I guess I am.
I am angry because some kids and young adults I mentor and am friends with online are struggling with things I’ve struggled with (and it’s bringing a bunch of stuff back up for me) and I literally cannot say, it gets better. I cannot actually say don’t kill yourself, but I do listen and tell them I love them and they are here for a reason. I do pass on telephone numbers to crisis lines. I do donate to The Trevor Project.
I am angry because our kids (our gaybies) are killing themselves and self harming because of this society that hates and fears people like us. I am angry because parents are killing their kids for being lgbtq are being perceived as potentially being lgbtq. I am angry because people think people like us are less human than they are and think they have the right to abuse us and take our lives. I am angry because people think we are a joke, a punchline. Our lives are so funny we are laughing up blood, bruised bodies, bullets in the head.
I am not just a ball of anger though. I am always more than one thing. I am thankful for family, friends, acquaintances, allies. I am thankful for a roof over my head, food in the cabinets, and fridge, I am thankful to have access to medical care, I am grateful for music, tv, movies, the internet, social media. I am thankful for school, my mentors, paid work in the field that I love. I am thankful for my physical health. I am thankful to be able to put words together to express my emotions and thoughts. I am thankful for you who read this.