It Is Enough

Trigger Warning: depression, sexual assault, violence, murder

I’m in 3 classes and I have 3 to take in the fall and then my B.A. Another degree. I am studying what I like/love (film) but I really want to drop this semester. Like completely. I’m struggling. Last semester was my worst term with a 3.5. I know that doesn’t sound bad but it was for me. And this semester is at the half way point and looks like..not great for grades. But B’s and C’s earn degrees, right? And I really don’t know what else I would do.

***
A couple of weeks after the election everything was…and I fell ill, which lasted a few weeks. I thought I’d be ready for this term because I had a month off but 45 took office 4 days into it and I’ve been spinning, confused, holding on, trying to keep.
I’m telling myself this time will pass. But pass into what? But pass into what!?!
***
Every single day I have to force myself to leave the house. Every single day I ask myself is it worth it? And every day so far, I’m like, just go. Just go. But it’s like I have weights on my body and it’s like those dreams where you can’t move. Like you’re being chased and you don’t know what’s chasing you and you’re scared and you can’t run. It’s like being an insect stuck in molasses. It’s like a version of hell. Inescapable.
***
I’ve been late to almost every single class and almost every one of my meetings for various groups. Usually it’s not a problem but for one group it is. In my mind, it doesn’t matter if I’m there. It doesn’t matter if I’m late. If I’m late at least I showed up. Piss poor attitude for sure. Not happy about it but.. this is really how it is. Once I’m out and about I can get through these long days. But it takes a lot of inner monologuing.
***
My great sorrows that no pill and no conversation can help:
Many of my trans siblings are being discriminated against, targeted, assaulted, murdered, beaten to death. At least 7 trans womenhave been murdered so far this year in the United States. These are just the ones that we know of. And our kids. Our young ones. We have not made this a better for them. They are in the midst of this mess like us. And I can’t say to them, it gets better. I can’t say anything like that. I can listen though. I do listen. And I hope they live. I hope we live. Our lives aren’t anyone else’s to take.
***
As disconnected from my current environment as I’ve been feeling, I do have bursts of happiness and laughter. Of course I do. A good percentage of those bursts come from my people of the rainbow tribe, my friends, and some family. And right now..it is enough.
Thanks for reading.